remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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