Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
