So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
