Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
