I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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