I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
