Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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