So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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