I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He shit in the fireplace
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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