I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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