My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
