bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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