Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Couch. On fire.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
