I cut my penus on the lid.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
