just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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