True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
