I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
