I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
being pregnant is like rehab
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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