she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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