I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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