Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize