I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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