Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
