I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize