Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
