Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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