I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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