every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
