She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
