and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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