Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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