Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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