I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
