Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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