and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
