I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
