"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
