: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
