K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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