I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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