I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
