Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
