I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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