i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
