im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
