I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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