She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
operation have a gay friend backfired
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
