I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
