I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize