Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
