If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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