next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's blow job season.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
