I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize