Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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