and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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