is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
