I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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